It is now the middle of January 2010, and I have no idea how that happened. I know time keeps on ticking..... I have that talk with the kids when the lolly gag around and end up being late. The realization I have come to is that I have been kind of stuck. I'm doing all the things I'm supposed to be doing - going to meetings, taking care of the kids, being totally amaizingly in love with my husband, keeping the house clean, cooking, you get the idea. What I am struggling with is that I can only seem to concentrate on one thing at a time. That leads to a feeling of guilt for not giving everything else my attention, which leads to overcompensation in another area, and so goes the cycle, round and round.
It didn't really hit me until my best friend in the whole world ,started purposfully working on balancing her life, that that is what I am lacking, balance. I have quite often found myself wondering why I am not the same kind of parent to Nora as I was to Ahren. Especially when she was little. I wasn't the same person then, I didn't have the same relationship with Ahren's dad that I do with Ed. It never bothered me that my ex and I weren't spending any quality alone time together, because it wasn't a relationship that either of us cared to put energy into. I could spend all of my time concentrating on Ahren.
Now I find myself upset that I didn't do this or that for Nora the same way I did with Ahren. I want to spend time with Ed, I want to put in the time and energy it takes to have a good marriage. What I am trying to do now is balance ME....the mom and the wife and the friend and the babysitter and the bill payer/house cleaner.....a child of God. I know myself well enough that I know my reaction to stress is to sleep. My body shuts down, I don't stay awake worrying, I drift through the days doing the absolute minimum required. I don't over eat, I don't drink too much..... I procrastinate!
My goal this year is to keep ahead of me what is important. My relationships with God and the people who are essential to my life. I will try to take control rather than avoid situations that may be difficult. Like finances or having a teen ager who doesn't do well in school. I will conquer the clutter in the house rather than let it affect my mood. I will start and end my day knowing that I am loved by God, and I deserve the grace he has given me. And when I have a set back I will recognize it for what it is, and not let it hold me back.
Because well, look at them....... they are sooooo worth it!!
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